Keep honking jack ass, I’ve got all day.

Everyone is in a hurry (and honking - WTF?). While I freaking hate it, I get it.  Actually I only get it under five circumstances.

1.  A funeral:  Running late to a funeral and driving like it’s your last chance to see someone – I get it.  This is a legit honk situation.  Unless it’s closed casket, then it’s really already too late.  Those nice men in the black suits are not going to flip the lid open just so someone can get in their last “peace out dude” – seriously not gonna happen.  Oh, I just thought of something. If the deceased did happen to raise their hand for a high five in reply to my final “peace out dude” THEN I WOULD be in a hurry…to get the fuck out of there!

2.  A job interview:  Running late to a job interview and being a little freaked out – I kinda get it.  This might be a legit honk situation.  But really it’s like going to the airport. Shouldn’t one just plan to be there an hour ahead of time?

3.  The restroom:  This doesn’t even fall into the running late category.  It’s simply nature calling – I get it.  This is a legit honk situation.  But seriously it might be safer to just pull over to the nearest gas station, hold your breath and get it over with.  So you happen to be potty training a little one?  Anyone with any experience knows that if you hear “I gotta potty!!” from the back seat of the car it’s already too late.  The car seat’s 16 point restraint system is not your friend in this situation.

4.  The third date:  Running late to date number 3 – I get it.  This is a legit honk situation.  We all know about the third date rule, but if you are really running late you’re probably all nervous and sweaty so – it’s not going to be your best performance anyway.

5.  A sentencing hearing:  This is a legit honk situation.  I am not at all sure how these things work, but I can imagine that keeping a judge waiting might not be a good idea.  Shit, what if showing up late turned a $500 fine into some time in the big house?  I would not fair well with group showers and really, no one looks good in an orange jump suit.  I might like for Sophia from ‘Orange Is The New Black’ to work some magic with my hair, but other than that – I’m out.

Beyond these five situations, in my opinion, just get over it. AND honking is not going to get anyone there any faster.  Especially if they are honking behind me. (More later)

What is up with folks who are always in a hurry when in the car.  Taking the kid to get a snow cone – someone doesn’t blast off when the light turns green – HONK. God forbid they run out of blue coconut syrup.  (and isn’t the pina colada, the tropical, the clear coconut the same thing anyway?)  

Pulling out of a parking lot – if the red car in front doesn’t risk life and limb by darting out in that one car length space between the Brinks Armored Truck and the Montessori mini van – HONK!   You know the person…maybe you are married to them.  Hummm?

So here is my question.  Does honking really get anyone to the snow cone stand any quicker.  I say NO.  No it does not!

If you are the Honker and the Honkie (the other person – not a white hick) is a normal person the result of honking will only cause further delay.  Actual scenario - Honker honks, Honkie is frightened the realized their great sin of not burning rubber as the light turned green, Honkie then has to provide the little sorry wave to the Honker, Honker has to acknowledge with the head nod, etc. etc. etc.

What if it’s the Brinks Armored Truck situation?  Honker honks, Honkie is frightened and steps on the gas, narrowly avoids the Montessori van, but hits the Brinks Truck.  Now those things are solid so there will be some damage.  If all the planets are lined up maybe the doors fly open and money starts flying out the back of the Brinks truck.  I KNOW RIGHT!  You just heard the angel choir singing “hallelujah” in your head too.  So money is flying everywhere, the Honkie jumps out starts grabbing up twenties, the Montessori van driver jumps out – turns back to click the remote lock on the mini van ‘cuz she is responsible for those kids, in said van – we all know, teachers damned sure needs those extra bills – this creates more Honkers, van driver doesn’t care that she has now become a Honkie too – hell there’s cash in the air.  So Honkers and Honkies are everywhere, folks are running around fighting for money, Montessori kids manage to unlock the doors and start tumbling out of the mini van. THEN the cops show up and demand to know who is responsible for this pandemonium.  All the Honkers and Honkies point toward, you guessed it, Honker #1. If that asshole didn’t end up with pockets full of cash then, in this Sublimely Silver Sister’s opinion, it wasn’t worth it.

Now those were examples of what could happen if the Honkie is a normal person.  Let me share with y’all what will happen if I happen to be the Honkie. No, I have never claimed to be normal.  (What the hell is normal anyway? Maybe I am.)  I will, however, admit that I am strong willed aka stubborn, passive aggressive, and with every passing year my “give a shit what people think” threshold continues to decrease.

Back to the green light situation if I am the Honkie.  If the Honker sends a little tap honk my way then the resulting interaction (delay) will play out as referenced above.  Honk, slight fright, wave, mouth “sorry”, nod, go.

BUT if the Honker lays on the horn here’s how it’s gonna play out. (Notice the importance of this?  This requires a whole new paragraph!)  My response to a loud obnoxious honk will – for a split second – be fright.  Then will quickly turn to “WTF?!?”  

Buckle up mother fucker, cuz I just shifted into park.

Now believe me I know Honker is in a hurry which only increases the giddy feeling I have inside as I sit there acting like I don’t know what is going on.  I may just sit there for a few seconds then pull away slowly.  HOWEVER, if Honker (we will call him little dick in the big black pick-up truck) happens to make the mistake of honking again this will only strengthen my resolve.

 I will sit there until the light turns yellow wait a few more seconds then haul ass through the yellow light leaving little dick in the dust.  OR on that day of the month where I have absolutely no tolerance for little dick in a big black truck – or dicks of any kind for that matter – I will sit right through the light like something is wrong with my car.  Eventually I will miraculously “fix” whatever was wrong with my can and move on my merry way the next time the light turns green.

The moral of the story don’t honk unless someone runs out in front of you or is backing up and doesn’t see you.

Cuz I’m Sublimely Silver and I’ve got all day.

Safe travels all.