Am I old enough to say ass?

This story is a several years old, but it is still one of my favorites! Princess Precocious Emma (6 years old) and I were heading out to gymnastics class – actually taking her to gymnastics as I do not participate.

Can you even imagine? All my years of living stuffed into a leotard - looking like a sausage?

What about my explanation to the emergency room physician regarding how I ended up stuck in mid back-bend. ER urban legend material for sure! “And then this woman tried to convince me she had been to gymnastics class, but we all knew it was some weird sex position she was attempting.” Back to the story about about leaving for gymnastics class. (I promise we will eventually get to the ass part) Emma walks out to the car with her leotard and flip flops on and prude mama showed up. I rarely ever see that part of myself, but for some reason she made an appearance. “Emma go put on a long shirt or some shorts over your outfit.” It was a simple enough request; then my little 6 going on 21 darling decided to exercise a little vocabulary boundary testing with “Why? Because you don’t want me to show my ass?” She said it with the verbal dexterity of a seasoned sailor.  It just rolled off of her tongue like she was saying “milk” or “blanket” or “feet”, but ASS really I was shocked! Ok – honestly just a little taken back, but I acted shocked. The second I looked in her direction – you know the look, my head spun 360 degrees around like a hoot owl – she knew it was on. “What did you say?” She played innocent with the skill of a teenager. Emma you can not say ass. Where did you hear that word? – I was praying she didn’t say she heard it from me. Which is a strong possibility. I heard it on that show “Blackish”. Big relief – I am off the hook … KINDA.

Side note – if you haven’t seen the show “Blackish” yet you are missing out. It’s so damn funny, albeit probably not the 6 year old appropriate.  For reference .54 is the scene I am blaming.

I started paying more attention to this show and they do use the word in question quite a lot. More on how we deal with this later.

So for several weeks after the first incident Emma began bringing up the word. “So mom, a-s-s (spelling it) is a bad word?”  •  “Mom, what is an a-s-s?”  •  “So a-s-s is another word for donkey?”  •  “What is a donkey?”  •  “They said a-s-s on TV.”  •  “Mom what is a curse word anyway?”  •  “So ass (actually saying it this time) is another word for bottom?”  Really she is just trying to use the word. Boundary testing at its best.

Finally I told her to stop bringing it up and that she could not say it PERIOD! Of course you can hear her reply. Right? The one I had been dreading. “But mom you say ass.” I was ready for this one “Yes, I do. I am 47 years old and if I want to say ass I can.” That seemed to end the conversation.

Yay, Ass-gate is over. Good for me and my super parenting skills.

A couple of evenings later out of the blue she comes out on the patio, where I might ass add I was enjoying a relaxing glass of wine in peace. No cartoons in the background, no kids in the pool so no lifeguard duty, nothing going on but pure unadulterated Mama Time. Then out of the blue “Mom dad says you can’t say ass either.” I hear that record screech sound in my head – the one where everything stops for a second and no one moves. In one of my shining mommy moments I replied “EMMA I AM A GROWN ASS WOMAN AND I WILL SAY ASS IF I WANT TO!”

“Mom, when I’m a grown ass woman can I say ass too?”

So as it stands today, kids can not say ass! Moms can say ass – I don’t care if it’s hypocritical or not fair. We are still going to watch “Blackish” and she knows there are words she will hear on TV (and from me) that are adult words and she just can’t say them.  Emma cannot say ass until she is at least 18 – then it’s her choice.

For her 18th birthday I think I’ll get her a cake that says “Happy 18th – now you can say ass!”